Sometimes life gives us no chance or no choice and our reaction depends on our faith to God. If we are not anchoring our lives to our faith, it will be useless, unfruitful and unproductive. Most of the time, people will be brought on the brink of madness and the ultimate sacrifice will be death by suicide. I have seen many people like that, I am not spared. In my own way, I always depend on the grace of GOD, but human as I am, I also depend on my ability which I know is not a guarantee to live a very succesful life. That is my mistake - that was my I am always reduced into the feeling of nothingness and sometimes I would feel that I wanted to end everything because we believe that life is useless!
For many weeks now, I am suffering from clinical depression. It was a condition that I know fully well but since I am a psychiatric nurse-psychologist, I denied that I would be affected by it. I always had a feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness and constant fear. Fear, stress and fatigue were my constant companions. I was caught off guard.
These experiences were triggered by my attachment to my job, which I know is just temporary thing. I was always afraid since my workplace was very stressful place. There was no meeting of mind. Everything seemed a contradiction of harmony and peace. It was full of discord and rivalry since the place was a melting pot of professionals who would like to advance their career.
Another thing that affected me most was my RESPONSIBILITY. I always took charge of all the things that happened in my family. My wife's nursing education which she finished two years ago, my son and the arrival of a new member of the family by December. My wife was pregnant for three months, and that excited me as well as scared me. I always asked myself, [i]"What will happen to them if I lost my job?" [/i]- I never thought that God would always be there, watching over us. I always depended on my own strentgh that was not enough to help me face my everyday trials and tribulations. I was living in fear.
I was scared, hopeless, worthless and maimed. At the middle of the night I would wake up thinking all the negative things that transpired within my work, my family and my personal life. It affected me most. I started blaming everyone including my boss for all the stress and problems that she gave, myself, despite all my efforts to do good. It looked like my best would not be enough. I never looked at the opportunity, that these negative experiences would bring me. It was great indeed - because as soon as I had these opportunity, I got new things coming - my ordination to the diaconate and ultimately to the priesthood. My oral defense also for my Doctor of Education dissertation and the arrival of my forthcoming second child which is more than a blessing.
Now I know, I should not live in fear because God is always watching over me. Please pray always, and pray for me and my family.